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We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.