Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
You Might Also Like
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Happy weekend !
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.