When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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[shakes fist at other fist]
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
#growingpains
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Shower sex be like:
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”