husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
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At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I mean…but I did
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
They’re on their honeymoon