Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
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My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.