I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
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The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola