Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
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To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
when someone rings the doorbell
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.