both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
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Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD