“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash