Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
You Might Also Like
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.