I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
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Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?