Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
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I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
i think we should see other cousins
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”