*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
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What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*