[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
excuse me
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.