My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
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Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
(2022)
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”