I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
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Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
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I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
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i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.