Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
You Might Also Like
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!