[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
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After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it