There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”