Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
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Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.