I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Sheep
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones