The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
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Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
i really liked this one
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I saw nothing
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…