Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
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I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.