When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
You Might Also Like
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
me and who
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won