The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
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I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Dance like you’re not the father
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…