*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
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Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?