lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
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A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.