Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
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ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Ovenable?
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Don’t make me out nice you.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?