I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
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Growing up was a huge mistake
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….