[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
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Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Many hands make light work
*cough*
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.