Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
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Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.