On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
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uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it