The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
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*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time