It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
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when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.