If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
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[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
craving $300 all of a sudden
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time