Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
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me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
don’t we all
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks