*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
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You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
my professor scared me for a second
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Welp, wife didnât appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Wait a minuteâŠ
đ€ŹÙÙŰ· ÙÙ Ù Ű”Ű± đ€Ź
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say âI think Iâve already told you thisâ and say it again anyway
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
4-year-old: Whatâs that?
Me: A vegetable you wonât like. If you donât tell Mom, Iâll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer: