I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
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Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)