mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
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Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.