Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
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Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Many hands make light work
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”