I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
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My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Kids: Stay in school.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?