ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
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I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
#Caturday
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
first you must answer his riddles
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
getting groceries
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers