I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
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[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.