Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
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God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”