*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
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How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Unexpected Judgment
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today