Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
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Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No