[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
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Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up