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Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.