Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
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Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
There’s never enough good news
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.