*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
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just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
If you love someone, let them tweet.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?